Friday, October 19, 2007

Complaint Of The Day

Menopause sucks. There's no other way to say it. Is just sucks.

I used to complain when Aunt Flo showed up once a month for a few days, but dang, now she's here at least twice a month lately, and unpacking her suitcase!

Maybe that wouldn't be too bad by itself, but the scrunching me in the gut and cranking the freaking thermostat up to 120ish is absolutely going to far there, Mrs.!

Oh, and please stop making silent noises so I can sleep a whole night through. Pretty please? 8 hours of continuous sleep would be delicious.

Ya know what? I think you need to pack that bag of yours and just git!

The least she could do is whip out that wallet and pony up for the extra expense she's causing me in the femininities aisle every week.

It's ok, she just altered my mood with her smart remarks, but that'll only last 5 seconds and I'll be on cloud 9 (er, maybe 7) in no time. Start those stop watches now - may last a whole 15 minutes before I want to smack her again!

Relatives can be such a royal pain in the ... uterus.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I Can't Imagine

I have a creative mind. I think outside the box a lot ... sometimes too far. But there are just some things I can't manage to wrap my brain around. I'm not a judgemantal person. In fact, it's the thing I try hardest to steer clear of in my life.

Until I bump into 'those' people. And they are everywhere! I choose to call 'em Chemies. And they have absolutely no qualms about giving you the long-assed list of crap they throw on their property! Amazing!

You know - those people who dump mounds of chems on their yards - the fact that 80% of them are postage stamps doesn't seem to matter. To destroy the symptoms of the first round of chems, well, a second and third must be applied. Ugh! And if it happens to rain at a most inopportune time - apply more!

But what does happen to all those chems when it rains? Hmmmm ... Chemical cocktail anyone? Shaken or stirred. Lemon wedge with that, or 2 olives maybe?

Your well water tasting any different these days? Fertilize that ridiculously emerald green island that surrounds that house and watch the nearest stream turn the same damn color - only with algae instead of grass.

I know, blah, blah, blah, everyone has heard it all before. But why, oh why, don't people freaking listen? Maybe they've formed some sort of unconscious degree of deafness. Honestly, I think the dismissal hand wave is the universal sign of "I'm a Chemie and you ain't changing my mind with all that eco-friendly talkin'."

The things I can't imagine:

Digging in the soil and finding not one sign of life.

Having to scrub every inch of fresh picked veg to within an inch of its vitamin enriched life to get all the poisons off.

No birds in my yard because there's nothing safe for them to eat.

Not being able to throw a worm or slug to the koi from freshly turned soil without fear of giving them some type of fishy-cancer or killing them outright.

Not bending to sniff a flower in the early dawn light for fear of inhaling poison along with the flower's fragrance.

Being afraid for the health of my children rolling on the lawn during a game of tag.

Running to the store instead of the compost pile for fertalizer.

Not being able to garden bare-handed.

Having to filter my drinking water.

Not being able to pick-n-pop anything from the garden.

Being a bad example of a steward of the earth to my children.

And finally - just not caring about what goes on our property or in our bodies!

Possibly that's really a list of my subconscious fears.

I just don't get it. I simply don't. Maybe it's some sort of keeping up with the Jones'. My yard has to be greener than yours - make more veg than yours - have brighter flowers than yours. Beautiful yards and gardens take work, physical labor (yours and nature's), not chems.

Ahhh, but, you see, there's the rub! Chem free is always more beautiful and bountiful. It simply takes work. When will people finally get that?

Maybe if we weren't a world in such a rush and want instant gratification (2 day garden shows? Pulleezze!) it would be easier to knock some sense into these people. But they want fabulous yards and they want them NOW and God forbid they should have to pull a weed. Unfortunately, chems are marketed to give them just that dream. What a pity.

Imagine if chem labels had to list all the side effects - like meds? Oh my! Wanna bet people would still use them? The culture now is so self-medicating, it probably wouldn't matter anyway - saw an ad for a medical problem? - go tell your doctor you need a prescription, cause damn it, the med company said you do! Ever read Jeff Foxworthy's side effects bit? :

Jeff Foxworthy: I remember when I was a kid, there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. But they advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures! It's like, "Try new Flor-A-Flor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Flor-A-Flor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction." I'm like, "I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!"

He should do one for yard chems.

But, who'd read that long list of reprecussions on chems? They don't have time!

I simply don't have time to smack 'em all ... I have gardening to do.